A healthy person is balanced spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially. This person also thinks about and serves others more than himself or herself. Sadly, viewing pornography attacks health in every one of these areas. And the damaging effects are profound both personally and relationally.
So, what are the unhealthy side effects of viewing pornography?
Spiritually, he may feel distant from God because of the overwhelming guilt and shame. Attempting to live two separates lives depletes his energy. A relationship with God is nonexistent or a constant struggle because he has hardened his heart and block connection with God. He may choose to soothe his shame through alcohol, nicotine or other drugs. But, these unhealthy coping techniques just perpetuate the cycle.
Physically, he suffers because he has likely minimized the importance of eating and sleeping well. These vital life priorities become hijacked by the brain’s new programming and unmatchable priority for sexual pleasure. He may have declined invitations from friends to exercise, or he is now shaping his body because he thinks you value his body more than his heart, soul and mind. Exercise addiction can commence and/or obsession about appearances—both yours and his. So focused on himself, he will have little time left for you and making the relationship a priority. And can you be sure that he has not had numerous sex partners? The fearful thought of his engaging in unsafe and unprotected sexual practices can live loudly in the back of your mind.
Emotionally, his development is stunted. Pornography has been his life teacher for relationships and emotions. He is distracted and unavailable. Selfishness strengthens. He may not be able or willing to meet another person’s needs. The constant hiding, lying and manipulating transfers over to other areas of life. Confusion about who he is persists. Pornography viewers at any age have difficulty distinguishing what is real, fake and expected in a sexual encounter. And clearing Web site history and killing apps do not immediately erase the emotional damage.
Mentally, he may be more demanding, assertive or aggressive in what he feels he deserves from you physically and sexually. Sexual addiction is a progressive disease! It may start out as occasional viewing, but addictive impulses quickly hijack the brain. Never being fully satisfied outside of his idealistic type of porn or fantasy, he will never see you as enough in his eyes. Regular porn viewers are often disappointed because their distorted sex education has prepared them to get anything they want and when and how they want it. They have been trained to focus on themselves instead of love, emotion, and meeting the needs of another person.
Socially, he has this powerful, nagging pull in his mind that he cannot silence. He will struggle to attend to others and not be fully present or experience enjoyment when participating in fun activities with you and his friends. Even if he says this problem is under control, you will always be wondering if he is fantasizing, sexualizing or working an angle to sleep with another woman, including your friends. Objectifying your friends, strangers, and even your mom can have you feeling both disgusted and trapped.
Of course, he is impacting himself sexually. His understanding and desires for the gift of healthy, married sex are strangely distorted. You’re being OK with his watching porn makes it a viable option when you are not engaging in sex, later when married or if you’re pregnant. Viewing porn will just be one option on the menu that prevents him from experiencing true intimacy and oneness with you.
He will likely be more sexually aggressive, perhaps well beyond what you might value. Even if he views non-violent porn, he will still be desensitized to rough handling and ignore the need to ask for ongoing consent. Pornography scenes display unequal power. They are dehumanizing and degrading to women. In porn, it’s all about one’s needs, and the partner is slave-like in meeting those needs. The takeaway message is that she exists to meet his needs and help him get off. And she is postured to appreciate the degrading process.
Am I Enough by Myself?
Having casual sex can create soulful regret. Combined with emotions of sadness, anger and fear, the feelings of anxiety, stress and regret can become overwhelming. The soulful impact of premarital sexual activity (with or without a partner) can harm the body, soul and spirit. So, can you have a romantic relationship or opposite-sex friendship without having sex? YES!
In Soul Virgins: Redefining Single Sexuality, authors Rosenau and Wilson separate “gender relating” from “erotic relating.” Opposite genders can appreciate and interact with their unique differences in healthy and non-sexual manners. But erotic relating occurs when sexual expression crosses boundaries to engage the body, soul, and spirit through the “dance of desire” with another person (p. 121). Without proper education about sex and relationships, we tend to tangle the two and create harmful three-dimensional consequences.
So, it is vital to remember that what seems common is not always normal or healthy. If we want to be different than the majority, we will slow down and thoughtfully consider how we exercise the awesome gift of our sexuality!
True, most of us have done things that have left us feeling empty and unfulfilled, overwhelmed with regret and desperate for the granting of just one wish to take back what we’ve done. Today you can change that!
Alex A. Avila, MA, LPC, CSAT, CAC, ACS, NCC, CBCP, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. He helps teens, men, and women overcome addiction through individual counseling and helps couples redesign their relationship after sexual betrayal. Believing strongly that intimacy is much more than sex, Alex wrote the book 40 Forms of Intimacy: Integrating Daily Connection Into Your Couple Relationship. He also founded the Relationship Institute of the Rockies in Lone Tree, Colorado, to help deliver accurate, research-based sex and relationship education to the public from licensed counselors.
