Pornography is deadly. It can kill hopes, dreams and romantic connection. It can distort a brain, overtake emotions, harm a body and devastate a soul.

So, I ask you: “Why would you date someone who is headed down that lonely, lifeless path?”

The pornography-impacted brain is regularly searching. It has downloaded into its pleasure center exactly what it likes and what it wants. After a repeated activity, the amazing, adaptable brain transforms this want and urge into a desperate, critical need.

You may wonder if your boyfriend is “addicted” to porn. Have you seen him become compulsive or preoccupied and delay or avoid completing responsibilities? Does he continue despite social, legal, relational, financial, physical and other consequences? Did he tell you everyone does it and to just accept it? Has he tried to stop or cut down but cannot? His unsuccessful attempts to control may just be more undelivered promises to you.

Maybe you haven’t seen all these symptoms. It’s possible they are well hidden. In reality, lying is a common co-occurring disorder of addiction. Let’s just say you haven’t seen any of these symptoms. Then, what is healthy sexuality? For starters, how do we know we are healthy in general?

From my perspective, a healthy person is balanced spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially. This person also thinks about and serves others more than himself or herself. Sadly, viewing pornography attacks health in every one of these areas. And the damaging effects are profound both personally and relationally.

But Isn’t Viewing Porn Normal?

Pornography reduces people to objects. It fails to reveal a woman’s best and most beautiful parts. More and more young women are viewing pornography, but they are also learning unrealistic sexual expectations. So, if you see 10 out of 10 girls doing a certain sex act, it’s assumed that you must also perform that act to get and keep a boyfriend. 

But is looking at porn normal? Is it common? We know that having sexual curiosity is normal and natural. We were designed as sexual beings. However, when we accept porn as both normal and common, we can wrongfully translate those words to expected, approved and appropriate. When viewing porn, there is no doubt that you will wonder if you are good enough. It isn’t real. Porn producers admit they are creating an unrealistic movie-like experience. But many people cannot fully separate what they see on screen from a realistic sexual relationship.

If your boyfriend has compartmentalized his porn viewing, run. Run fast and run far! He may only be sharpening his disintegrated selves to form what some men have mastered: the secret, double-life. Some men get caught years or decades after their addiction has exploded. They become experts at separating their unhealthy sexual behaviors from real life and relationships. Inauthenticity infiltrates them. Expert liars and master manipulators, these men will leave a destructive trail of heartbroken partners/spouses, kids, and friends.

So, it is vital to remember that what seems common is not always normal or healthy. If we want to be different than the majority, we will slow down and thoughtfully consider how we exercise the awesome gift of our sexuality!

True, most of us have done things that have left us feeling empty and unfulfilled, overwhelmed with regret and desperate for the granting of just one wish to take back what we’ve done. Today you can change that!

Important Action Steps

Pause and reflect on the people that you give influence over your feelings and time. We all have been given the gift of time. So, ask yourself who is worthy of your precious minutes and days. And more important, with whom will you share your soul?

• DON’T forget that consent for any physical activity must be given every time.
• DON’T seek to get needs met by a romantic partner that only God and safe loved ones were intended to meet.
• DON’T give in to the idea that sex alone is intimacy and the experience of physical pleasure will create a mutually satisfying bond. 
• DON’T give up the pursuit of true intimacy, which may or may not involve a romantic partner. True intimacy is knowing God and others and feeling safe with and enjoying the connection with people who cherish your soul—your whole being.
• DON’T share (or even take) nude pics. Some young women have felt pressure to share provocative semi-nude and fully nude pictures of themselves. After adding to his personal collection, it is too easy to share with his friends or post publicly. Some guys won’t dare miss out on bragging rights.
• DON’T comprise your values, what you know to hold true in your heart and with your God-given intuition.
• DON’T settle by convincing yourself that sexual activity is what everybody does, is what will make me happy, and is a required part of a relationship.

And here’s what you can you do:

• DO know your relationship boundaries in advance and have a solid Plan A, B and C to successfully stick to your plan.
• DO talk with other like-minded peers and trusted adults to help you remember that you are not alone in the effort to restore and preserve your purity.
• DO remember that your body is your own! Tell people clearly what makes you feel uncomfortable and to stop.
• DO have other people (friends, family, trusted others) around you rather than be alone with guys.

Don’t be just another number to him. Safeguard your power. Reduce regret. Reclaim your sexual purity. Restore your soul. Retain control of your physical and emotional feelings, and begin cherishing who you really are!

What Else Can I Do?

You must read Soul Virgins: Redefining Single Sexuality by Rosenau and Wilson. This book helps people of all ages understand and embrace the wonderful gift of sexuality. But this book should be a required text for all young people and emerging adults who want to feel confident about their sexuality and relationships!

We also facilitate a powerful teen workshop that provides a safe place and memorable exercises to navigate the many struggles teens experience. See relationshipinstitute.org to learn more.

Written by: Alex A. Avila

 MA, LPC, CSAT, CAC, ACS, NCC, CBCP, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. He helps teens, men, and women overcome addiction through individual counseling and helps couples to redesign their relationship after sexual betrayal. Believing strongly that intimacy is much more than sex, Alex wrote the book 40 Forms of Intimacy: Integrating Daily Connection Into Your Couple Relationship. He also founded the Relationship Institute of the Rockies in Lone Tree, Colorado, to help deliver accurate, research-based sex and relationship education to the public from licensed counselors.