For about 13 years, I fought a battle so ingrained in my skin that breaking the mold has ended up being the baseball bat shattering the very center of me. The thing with this 13-year battle is that it wasn’t defined until about 5 years ago. I didn’t realize the force of destruction that left me weak and broken every night until a mirror clocked my every movement and showed me the truth of where I was and who I was allowing myself to become. I was addicted to smokes and black coffee, that sickening feeling at the pit of my stomach that ruminated when I left it empty. I slipped so deep into this feeling that before I knew it, I was nothing but the bones beneath my skin and a weak, broken heart from an abusive relationship.
My relationship with this monster of Anorexia flourished when I was in the throes of abuse, if everything else was falling apart I knew I could lean on the mended relationship of control, and creating a physical perfection even if my insides screamed constantly. I found recovery last June, I chose recovery last June. This choice has led me to a beautiful life, publishing a book, finding the love only destined by God, and working with individuals who have been through extreme trauma. This is my “now,” but the road I traveled to get here isn’t beautiful. I fought for 13 years with a disease I thought I could always beat, I lost every bit of myself to a guy I thought was meant to be my everything, and I broke myself apart for drugs to numb away the assault and pain I felt burned beneath my skin every day. I believed for so long that my worth was based on the recognition I received from others; never including my parents because that recognition was slim. I thought for so long that my life was this empty vessel to be used and poured into, to only be emptied again.
I felt no sense of worth or sense of self until last year. I mentioned June was when I chose recovery, but here is the thing I didn’t just choose recovery I chose myself. I chose to find the person I was meant to be, and beyond that, it wasn’t defined by me; it was defined by my God. I finally recognized the way I was dismantling my body, the way I numbed myself to the treatment in abusive relationships was so disrespectful, it was the worst thing I could allow myself to experience and although I didn’t realize it in the moment, God was grieving each moment alongside me. I was so broken and so far down a rabbit hole that looking up was my only option. I was so insecure with myself because I was always defining my worth with the voices from people around me. Labels were stuck continuously to me and I was left looking at a mirror wondering if I could be anything more.
I want you to know that if you are struggling with your worth, with your struggle to feel secure in who you are created to be; if you are struggling with perfection or fitting the mold to be loved, you can leave all that behind and know:
“You are altogether beautiful, my darling,
beautiful in every way.” ~ Song of Songs 4:7
This beautiful Creator of stars and sun, breathed life into your lungs not for you to continually fight this battle of feeding other people’s worth and never recognizing your own. You were perfectly designed and this body you have, this heart you carry is the most remarkable piece of you. Don’t disintegrate before the hand of the world, because the world is carried by the hands of our Creator. I wish I was reminded when I was younger of the stars in my skin and the sunshine in my eyes, because my light could have shown a lot sooner, but the grace and beauty of my story has allowed me to carry my words here to you. Remember today, you are so beautiful and worthy. Remember today, you are stardust and blooming into the most exquisite you. Remember today, you have a power and a uniqueness
that is created just for you. The Lord has created an exquisite piece of art by creating you more precious than sunsets and starlit nights.
My dear, we all fight hard battles, but our battlegrounds
are not where we make homes, they are where we can stomp our feet and claim our victory over insecurity and fear of worthiness. You are worthy and you can find security in the words of our great God.
“So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he Created them; male and female he created them”. Genesis 1:27
If this was not such an important fact to wrap our minds around, I don’t think the bible would start with such beautiful lines. Although the road in recovery is a hard battle reading lines like this, I am reminded of the cosmic creator that breathed life into me and chose my being in all its attributes to be in existence. I am masterfully created, just as you are. Believe in the power that is you thriving in creation today, don’t let the lie of insecurity exist within your soul and bones. Believe in what God has written into your story, and take that step forward to choose yourself because you are worth that choice. You are worth smashing those lies. You are worth waking up with full lungs and sunshine in your eyes, not plugged up to an iv in a hospital bed.
This fight is one you can win and I never want you to believe it isn’t. I fought this for 3 years, but I am winning. I am finally winning in seeing my worth through God’s eyes. It is your turn to win, and your turn to replace your life with (in)secure to being secure in Christ. You will never know that power until your identity is more than the mirror reflected back at you. Honey, you are stardust and it is time to shine.
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do good things he has planned for us all along.” ~ Ephesians 2:10
Find your purpose beyond what the world whispers, your story regardless of how far you have drifted is purposeful. Trust in the waves you have ridden and know it is never too late to stand up and realize you were meant to be among stars than among seaweed. I am proud of you and each of your journeys and I hope you remind yourself that you are worthy of choosing yourself and believing a God so mighty loves the beauty that is you today.
Choose today; break (in) to secure, and love all you are made of in stardust and the ocean
waves that have carried you here.
~With love and prayer,
Beth Basilio Cox (Author of “Blooming Into Beautiful” )
Get Your Copy HERE
Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt like you couldn’t recognize the person staring back at you? Wondered if you had just lost everything that made you, you? Yeah? Well you aren’t alone. The book you just picked up is a story. My story. A story showing that brokenness and darkness can be used in moving forward toward your beauty. It is a redemption story.